It was my birthday, and as soon as I opened all my presents, I had a sad realisation. I felt a massive sense of guilt for wanting so much for my life. I’d been begging God for a new home of my own, material things, possessions and money. Even after a massive spiritual path, I wanted more. Bigger, better, more, and more.
My mum and dad, who had done so much for me in the past three years, from paying my bills, rent, and food, had already given me two tops as early birthday presents this week. Yet, when I came downstairs this morning, I encountered a shrine of gifts, immaculately wrapped. When I saw the collection of gifts, I thought to myself, “I don’t deserve this.” I felt that God had given me enough with their planning and arranging a birthday pizza night for me already. Yet here was a gift of gratitude from my parents.
You see, I had a friend recently depart my friendship last week for reasons I didn’t understand. She said our relationship was over because she was finding speaking to me was too draining. For a person with a history of depression, this was the hardest thing to hear from a close friend. Regardless, I trusted that God was opening the space of the friendship to something else, and it was all perfect timing. However much I’d been able to clear my toxic emotions and fears the break-up had created, I was still grieving somewhat—grieving the loss and the feeling I couldn’t trust people. I used my intuitive healing, Callahan’s TFT (Thought Field Therapy), and help from one on my energy healing mentors, Rav Jheeta, at Azure Therapies UK to remove the toxic emotions I was feeling. My mum helped to hold the space for me – and my tears all week as this was happening. I considered taking my own life a few times because I didn’t know how much longer I could live in a world where I felt this alone. I shared my concerns with my mum, and she stayed up late with me at night, checking in on me. We painted our nails; she listened without judgment and encouraged me to keep my faith that this was all working out for me. She held me tight and prayed with me. The night before my birthday, I even snapped at her for not clearing my room properly with her sage and singing bowl. Mum came to me with kindness and helped me see her perspective.
When I came downstairs this morning, I instantly knew these gifts were a way for them to show solidarity to me and to make sure I knew love. Our relationship wasn’t always like this: Mum and I, or Dad and me. However, as I learned to be vulnerable about my depression over the last year, mum has been a real great source of strength and love.
The gifts were much more extravagant than I expected. This birthday was not a significant number, yet to me, this birthday marked the end of my dreams of being married or having a family. You see, I decided that if it didn’t happen by age 33, I will relax and shift my focus. “If it doesn’t happen by this birthday, despite the visions God has been sharing with me, it probably will never happen until my womb is barren. So, I may as well give up now,” is what I would say to myself energetically. Mum knew how much I wanted this, but she didn’t let on that she might make such a kind gesture for me. By the way, I know that I am not going to be barren or childless forever in my heart. However, my ego is strong!
After I opened all the gifts, I was literally stunned at a) how everyone had managed to keep it all secret, at b) how kind everyone had been this morning, and c) how much I loved and appreciate every gift. Afterwards, I went downstairs and felt guilty.
I realised that I didn’t need any material things. I didn’t need anything at all. The love of my family meant everything. Why had I worried so much about whether or not I could afford to have my own place again, or that I was not as far ahead in the publishing world, or coaching/ healing arena?
I wanted to give it all back. I wanted to give it all back and say, “Mum, I don’t need anything from you. This moment is all I need.” I told God: “Please, God, let me appreciate what actually matters to me. I want to feel love. This all I need.”
If any of this resonates, ask yourself what you would say to the younger “you” five years ago. How much do you need to strive, hustle and over-achieve? And how much can you that trust God is going to work it out for you? Hustle when God is backing your desires. Wait until you feel that God is behind whatever it is you’re doing. And have faith in those moments where, like me, you come back to peace that everything is working out for you, and everyone, in your Highest Good.
Dheep Matharu is an ex-investment banker turned author in 2018, who found her purpose with the assistance of God despite her addictions. She is now a best-selling author of A New Kind of Love, speaker, and coach, and inspires others to live a life on purpose, connecting deeply to their Spirit. Dheep is a fearless warrior and encourages men and women to find their inner strength. You can find honest and raw memoirs on her journey through addiction recovery through Amazon: dheepmatharu.com/anykoluk